The Emotional Affair. How it Happens

My dad has been the greatest example in my life of how to have a rip-roaring, freakingly passionate marriage that continues to get better every year. It is incredible to watch a man and a woman who have been married for over 35 years still continue to grow closer, instead of farther apart. No where, not even at the dinner table, are me and my brother safe from the little comments, winks, kisses, and “descriptions” about their last valentine adventure. It is truly remarkable…and sometimes scary to walk into any room of the house.

To create a close trusting relationship there is many things that you have to say no to. When you say “no” to one thing, you are really saying “yes” to something else. And if you want to say “Yes” to the love of your life you are going to have to be willing to say “No” to A LOT of stuff….and people. This is what sacrifice is all about: giving up something you love for something you love more.

I think that the most dangerous thing destroying marriages today is the emotional affair. When we think about being unfaithful to a partner we immediately picture the physical. We would argue that, unless we physically do something with another woman or man, we still haven’t had an affair. This is just an excuse, a loop hole we are tying to create.

An emotional affair is when you start putting all your emotional trust in someone other than your husband or wife. When you will share all the emotional baggage, stress, deep feelings, and longings with someone of the opposite sex. An emotional affair almost always happens before the full on physical affair.

How does an Emotional Affair happen? What are healthy boundaries that you can create to protect your marriage or relationship? This is something that I’ve watched my dad protect with everything he has; being one of the reasons his marriage hasn’t been destroyed.

Principle 1: One-on-One is for only 1.

When I was a kid I remember my dad having me come to his office some days. The specific reason was because he knew that he would be meeting with a woman at his office. This little act of meeting alone with someone of the opposite sex seems so innocent, yet it is very dangerous. I know that you may be rolling your eyes, but this is how it most easily starts. Knowing this, my dad would strategically bring me or my brother to office so that he wasn’t alone. I didn’t think about it much then, but now I see how honoring it was to my mom and to me as a son.

Marriage is not about convenience, it is about commitment. To say “no” to meeting another woman alone, means that you are saying “yes!” to your wife. It is saying that you are so important to me that I will share you with no one else. I will protect us with a fervent passion…even is some people call me ridiculous.

One-on-One time should be given as a gift to one person, your wife or husband. Do not underestimate the power of it.

A few rules that I always go with:

• I will not go to a dinner or lunch alone with a married woman.
• I will not talk on the phone about anything other business to a married woman

I understand that I’m not married, but she is. I want to honor her husband and her. Also, it creates a great habit for my life.

Principle 2: Share the emotional stuff with your husband and wife…not another person of the opposite sex.

An emotional affair typically starts as an innocent friendship between a man and a woman. This in itself is totally fine until a few things start happening.

1. One of the two will start complaining about what their wife or husband isn’t doing. They will start talking about how they don’t feel fulfilled, or how she always complains, or he never takes me out, or they don’t appreciate me, and so on.

2. One person will start sharing the deeper emotions they are feeling.

My dad has had a great friend named Carla since he was a kid. They have a very close relationship and we even consider her an aunt of ours. So how can they have a close relationship while not committing an emotional affair? Here’s how:

They never spend any time alone. They never drive in a car alone together. Even when they talk on the phone my dad will immediately tell my mom everything they talked about. When do talk about deeper things, my mom is ALWAYS present.

Your husband or wife is the most important relationship in your life. Why not protect it with everything you got?

You protect your money don’t you?

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